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Speachless
Starting Member
1 Posts
Gratitude: 3
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 Posted - 12/20/2013 : 12:38:44
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I guess I'll cut to the chace.
I'm 19 years of age and ever since I was little I dreamed of being an author. I moved twice during my childhood with my twin brother, older brother, and older sister; once when I was 7 and again when I was 9 to the Arkansas because my mother wanted to be closer to family.
My childhood consisted of me, timid kid that didn't truly try and communicate until he was 12, hiding from neighbors and my parents and trying to ultimately get away from my twin brother(still trying to shake that one) I was shy because I would always get in trouble for just doing what I want, you know how kids are.
My parents were always working. My dad was in the military for some odd years, but had to go back to work because he had 4 kids and a wife to support. Their marriage isn't the best. With some calculation, their marriage was based around the birth of my old brother who was my father's first kid. I remember hearing them fight a lot at night; the only time they saw each other throughout the day. Whenever they came home, they would make dinner, but after that, even at like 8 o'clock they would lock themselves in their room for the night. I get it, privacy.
Well, when we moved here after a couple years, in 2005, our whole family contracted walking pnemonia. Mine lasted 2 days, my twin and father's lasted 2 weeks, my older brother 3 weeks, and my mother 3 months. She went to the hospital for a little bit and this is when my life started spiraling a into this mess.
After 3 months in the hospital, my mother found Jesus and I admire her faith, but there is a line. I was in the fifth grade at that time and my body had already began to change. When I was little, I found myself being called gay and stuff, but I was never bothered with one-sided arguements. In the fourth grade, I was given the name hershey he-she. The minds of children.
I started going to church three times a week until I was 14 and decided that I really couldn't take it. I had known I was different since I was little, in some of the sense. My tastes were off. I enjoyed reading a lot, being alone, and I enjoyed class. My dream occupation as a child was a butler. (the irony to my mother was the mischevious child me, like the butler in most movies, always did it.)
At any rate, I seemed to have this inability to write anymore due to the only thing I use to feel comfortable with which was my sexuality. In High School, I felt open about it. My twin brother truly didn't seem to mind it; different paths and all. I got called that one word we all know and find it very undignified, but it really didn't get to me.
My best friend was all I had. She was wonderful and appreciated my love for writing and music and we were inseperable. Well, I started dating a man named Travis and we had first loves written all over us. We dated for 3 months and I truly never felt we could never be together, due to my family beliefs and me being only 17.
After that, I slowly lost my friends after high school, my best friend went to the college I couldn't go to because my scores weren't high enough, my ex-lover moved to the next town over and I still think about what he is up to every now and then, and I felt I have no one.
Here is the root of the problem: I can't find closure. When I was 14, I attempted to tell my parents about my sexuality. My father said the infamous quote, "I will not have a gay son." to my face and my mother took the comfort approach, although she fully didn't grasp the meaning behind the note I left considering she never accepted things in her mind that she didn't want. And I took it.
One day on the radio, it was talking about a local LGBT group at the univesity and she turned it off and said that she wishes "God wouldn't let that fifth around..." The messages were always clear.
Well, After I hit rock bottom, I soul-searched. I began to long my best friend because she was perfect in my eyes, I wanted the best out of life for her and still do, whatever makes her happy.
Now present day, My best friend is dating this guy whos put us a distance apart from each other; there is no conversation. Was this attraction not a friendship?
I can't write because publicly, even privately, I don't feel comfortable with self. I once asked my twin, "What is the most constant feeling that you feel? Something almost omni-present in yourself." His reply was aware. Aware of everything around him. My answer was self-loathing and disgust. I don't know if this feeling lies withing my gay tendencies and my parent's relgious hatred for that or within the fact that I might have actually fell in love with my best friend at some point and the self-assurance of sexuality in me is shattered.
But the fact of the matter is, I truly can't follow my passion for writing because I feel no comfort in it anymore. When I was just finding out myself in 7th grade english, my heart poured into it, but now: 19- years of discomfort and unassurance and faulty.
My twin's advice was to, "stop fretting. Only thinking about will make it worse." and the only rebuttle in my head was, "how can you drop something that knowingly makes your family hate you, your thoughts hinder you, and yourself loathe you?"
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 12/20/2013 : 13:52:54
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Hi Speechless
Welcome to these caring sharing communities of ours,
yours too may I add now that you have joined us.
I can truly identify with what you share for I am also Gay.
Don't know if you will find what I say here helpful for it is more about coming to terms with my sexual orientation having suppressed same for many a year until it triggered a break down, resulting in six weeks of hospitalization.
I declared then Never again will I Not be upfront as a result I have not looked back other that to promote LGBT stuff!
Who am I
Posted in: NZ Writing
By David Tomkinson - 30th July 2001
I am a gay man. I am convinced my homosexuality is an integral part of my genetic make up. And therefore a natural state, profound and involuntary. I do not see it as as a condition that can easily be distilled into a a few simple references. More as a constellation of feeling and non feeling emotions, thrown together in many combinations.
For many years my conceptual self informed me that being gay was wrong; more than that, sinful. I also perceived it as a mental illness, and if treated I would be 'cured'. I suspect that these beliefs emanated from the religion I was brought up with and endorsed by the Bible no less.
With the advent of AIDS a more secular society joined in, compounding matters by labeling it the 'Gay Plague'. A grave misconception indeed to think that only people who happen to be different from the so called norm would be subjected to the HIV virus. What a stupid assumption to make, and by definition very dangerous.
All these years later I no longer feel the need to justify the way I was made. I now see my homosexuality as valid as heterosexuality. The fact that I belong to a large minority does not disqualify me from membership of the human race. I am the product of my whole self, no less, and no longer wish to compromise same in order to conform to society's' expectations of me..
To suppress my sexual orientation further would mean continuing a life fragmented... a dysfunctional human being unable to celebrate my individuality.
I do not reside in NZ I'm located in the UK however as you know on the internet there are no borders.
Your in community friendship, David
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 12/20/2013 : 14:04:32
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This I think will definitely speak to You
Dustin Lance Black at the 2012 HRC National Dinner
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxhtJxXM3RE&list=WLCD705E69EF20479B
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
|
Posted - 12/20/2013 : 16:15:08
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.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
|
Posted - 12/20/2013 : 18:08:33
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Consider coming along to the main social forum...
You I am sure will get much more feedback there for that is where most of us congregate.
Although My Therapy is primarily a mental health community..
anyone suffering mentally as a result of whatever is going on in there life qualifies for seeking emotional sustenance here!
I consider myself prime example, being as I am a founder member
and no one has approached me regarding my sexuality, David
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
|
Posted - 12/20/2013 : 18:13:55
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Herewith is the link...
http://www.mytherapy.com/discussion/forum.asp?FORUM_ID=512
Please post freely there with out inhibitions...
if it weren't the place to be I wouldn't recommend it
thats for sure...
I say that as the longest serving active member who just happens to be Gay!
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
|
Posted - 12/20/2013 : 19:54:44
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.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| the painter
Super Member (250+ posts)
376 Posts
Gratitude: 409
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Posted - 12/20/2013 : 21:40:53
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Hello sweetheart.
Your post speaks to me as my best friend of many years was a gay man and we had a friendship that transcended his relationships and my relationships. It can be hard to navigate your best friend's partner....
But if I have the gist of your OP correct, if you are asking how to go on from this friendship, I would say do not give up, you will get the support you need from this friend.
As for overall? You are what you need. When you can live an authentic life, you will be happy and content. Until you feel you can do that, it is all navigating what society says you should be.
There are people out there who will love and support you for who you are. |
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