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Psych Community
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lynn2150
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
21329 Posts
Gratitude: 9217
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 Posted - 04/27/2016 : 23:04:34
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My P-Doc wanted me to read, as part of my therapy for my 'broken brain".
But that's not why I write, tonight.
I am plauged by GUILT, enormous guilt about something I said to my Mom not knowing how ILL she really was, God Damn ME.
You see, in November 2014 the housing authority demanded my Mother pay $450.00 of her $1,500.00 old age security cheque to them or ELSE,
They demanded it and wouldn't let up until my Brother Ron stepped in,
All the while we were struggling truly struggling to make ends meet.
I was demoralized, beside myself, worried sick.
In January, a Nurse suggests my brother Ron take POA.
Which he did,
He instructed me to NOT talk to any Nurses, or tell him ANYTHING any Nurse had said.
Very strange,
The Nurses WERE my life line to my Mothers condition and care.
Now, I am broke, stripped of emotional , intellectual support from the Nursing staff,
Living literally on coffee, and muffins, becoming more deranged as days passed.
The "plan" was to ave my Mom moved to a Nursing home,
I KNEW in my heart of hearts this would be a disaster medically, for she was starting to decline, and needed specialized care STAT as they say.
Well, someone above must have heard my prayers, The Doctor refused to release her.
My brother, though he meant well, was so CLUELESS
Nice fella, but not mechanically, or medically inclined. hah.
sick joke.
The other part of the plan was to have ME declared INCOMPETENT
re: decision making, Ron even tried to pull a fast one on me, by having me sign off, I told him, "Iknow what you are doing"
(you rat b#stard) Go ahead, but Mom will not be going to that dog house home.
In the end , I was RIGHT,
But that's not why I write,
You see, in 2012, when she was close to death, I wouldn't leave her side,
I took taxis to and from the hospital, since my legs were too
weak to carry me.
I was able to eat, regular meals, and we prayed, Oh did we pray for her,
all of you here too, I told her that, she wanted me to send you all a thank you card, God Bless her Soul, :-)
2015, no money or food, no hope, bitterly cold weather,
I was baked out, totally,
I F#CKED UP.
I was playing the part of looney tune, and felt like one,
My nerves were frayed, temper short,
Well, this is the part that will kill me to my dying day.
Her room mates told me she cried a lot and I should come to visit more often, yet the staff, and I am not joking were ****es from hell, some of them.
I stayed over once, and was not treated well.
Unlike other floors, Tower 7 in particular from 2012, they were wonderful.
SO, I had to leave, to go 'home" the poor woman (Mom)
asked quite sanely , when will I see you again?
The woman in the next bed was all ears, no privacy, which irked me too.
I felt SO, so, off my tether, that I said,
(damn me to hell)
I'll see you in Hell, and now I am going home to commit suicide.
What kind of daughter says something like that?
what a piece of sh#t, I am.
She simply cast her eyes down, and I wanted to take everything back,
I stood at her door to see if she would look up, She didn't.
I haven't told m Psychiatrist this, or a priest,
only my sister in law, Brenda, maybe Ruth too ?
Told my son, I tell him too much,
He said, Grammy probably understood, I was having a "fit".
and forgave me.
But, not only that, I would have loved to have spent her last month on Earth, with her, in that smell, old Hospital.
Judge me, as you may, I am sure to be Judged by my Maker.
I regret, and curse myself for ever ever talking to her like that.
Had a dream of her last night,
Christmas time, I was missing her, she appeared in a store, she said, I know you are looking for me and said she was disappointed with me, then vanished.
Sorry to take up so much time and space , I had trouble coming back.
but more than that, sorry for taking up so much time and space.
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| chelle25
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
7717 Posts
Gratitude: 4597
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Posted - 04/28/2016 : 00:00:04
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Hi Lynn,
Momma bear knew you better than anyone. I'll bet she knew you were just having a bad moment.
Don't beat yourself up. We all say things to loved ones out of frustration.
Momma knew you loved her.
Hugs to you |
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| AquaticSoul
Super Member (250+ posts)
816 Posts
Gratitude: 977
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Posted - 04/28/2016 : 05:29:16
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Dearest Lynnie...
Reading your post, there is so much self judgement and anger...
So I thought, seeing that I cannot perhaps convince you otherwise, I'd like to just remind you:
You have worked so hard, stressing so long, busting chops to take care of your mother. You fought long hard battles.
Your resilience is unparalleled - your spirit is so much stronger than the credit you give yourself. But we're great at beating ourselves up and not actually acknowledging the astronomical feats we have conquered. You are an incredible woman and I will always keep looking up to you.
You are greatly loved...don't forget that, nor to love yourself to as we love you.
xxx   |
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| Medicated
Super Member (250+ posts)
953 Posts
Gratitude: 847
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Posted - 04/28/2016 : 14:29:39
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Lynn,
By the power vested in me as an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church,
Your perceived sins are forgiven, for what it's worth.
If to sin is to miss the mark, your unfortunate words to your mother in 2012
failed to cause any physical damage. We know that sticks and stones may break
one's bones, but we also know that words can hurt... however, you evidently
did not carry through on your threat, and through whatever belief you may have,
I hope you believe that your mom has lived a full and fruitful life and that
she is experiencing the wonders of what comes after life.
Atone further if you must, but ultimately, be absolved.
-Medicated
(\_/)
=(^.^)=
(")_(") |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 04/29/2016 : 11:15:01
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As some one who as never experienced psychosis
I'm not in a position to identify with same.
That does not disqualify me from heartfelt
commiserations for those that do
and the ultimate consequences of such behaviour !
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| paul19
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2282 Posts
Gratitude: 660
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Posted - 04/29/2016 : 19:24:19
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depressing, but that's the past
if there's a GOD she knows youre ok
why cant u walk? |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 05/20/2016 : 16:52:24
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How are you right now Lynn?
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 05/20/2016 : 17:05:58
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PS., out of sight
does not necessarily
equate to out of mind..
in my book... lol
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 05/23/2016 : 15:40:58
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.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 06/27/2016 : 22:42:01
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I got to thinking as to how
you are doing currently Lynn?
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| AquaticSoul
Super Member (250+ posts)
816 Posts
Gratitude: 977
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Posted - 06/29/2016 : 22:04:13
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Hello Lynn
Just checking in...how are you?
I know you feel guilty - I shared the same feelings about my dad, when he had cancer, and that somehow I could have made more money to get him better care... but there's only so much one human can do. It was also his responsibility to have looked after himself which he did not do, and I cannot be held responsible for his welfare.
I miss him so much every day, last night was particularly difficult for me. I also had to keep my eating in check and not go to the kitchen and bake the worlds biggest macaroni pie and drown my sorrows in food. I had a cup of vegetable soup instead.
Anyway, whilst waffling on, I just wanted to say that you are missed. you are dear to me and I still care so much about you. Please let us know how you are xxx |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 07/17/2016 : 17:26:10
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Hi Lynn
I trust you are well at this point in time.
Our mutual friend Charne is going through
a difficult time right now.
May be you would like to post to her,
regarding same, David x
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 08/08/2016 : 16:54:41
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Anything you wish to share Lynn?
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 11/13/2016 : 19:47:05
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Please note Lynn
The social section here will be no more
as far as I comprehend.
Hercules has set up a new site
if you wish to join us there at some point.
You will find the link below
http://temporarysocialforum.freeforums.net/
Please book mark same for you might not be ready yet
but it will be there for future reference
should you consider joining us at same point, David x
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| hercules21
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5803 Posts
Gratitude: 2829
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Posted - 11/16/2016 : 01:39:12
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Dear Lynn,
I never admitted this to you as we fell out of contact when you stopped posting as much, but I had this fantasy when we were much more in contact, that I was going to stand up for you one day.
I can remember coming online to MT every night for 3-4 hours and making 7-8 posts and reading what Lynn2150 had to say.
At times you were our leader in a way. Do you remember the drama with Jo. What a shindig that was. Goodness we didn't know what to do with ourselves.
Inexpressible thanks for helping me through a difficult time in my life just by letting me read about yours.
God Speed even if you never find this post.
Good bye Lynn
"Mrs Morel always said the after-life would hold nothing in store for her husband: he rose from the lower world into purgatory, when he came home from pit, and passed into heaven in the Palmerston Arms.". |
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| Jayster
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2060 Posts
Gratitude: 927
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Posted - 11/16/2016 : 08:45:44
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Lynn, Honey, don't you hang on to old hurts like that one.
Love,
Jayster |
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how's my mood? psychotic, seriously, :-(
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