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Mike412
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3961 Posts
Gratitude: 3056
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 Posted - 10/11/2016 : 13:47:48
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Sometimes when I hear the phone ring I hope it'll be my ex calling me from the hospital at least to talk or ask I come and see her. I really miss her sometimes, she's been locked up over 2 years and it's been about 2 years she decided she didn't want anything to do with me anymore and won't accept any of my calls.
I've had a lot of lousy friends in the past, they used/mooched off me especially when I used to smoke, stole from me, lend someone $10-$20 and they just don't pay back, "razzed" me to the point I got sick of the ignorant, rude pricks that could dish it out but couldn't take it.
It's like I don't trust my instincts so much anymore I think can that person be trusted or am I just paranoid. Even mental health professionals have trouble telling the difference one time in the hospital there was a patient in my room who was threatening towards me and nasty and I told one of the nurses who said I was just being paranoid and suggested I take a PRN later on though he attacked one of the nurses and was put in four point restraints. If I let this person use my bathroom will they look around for pills or something to steal, had it happen before. I'm on disability with an illness and I'm not going to meet people with good jobs, nice families etc. that wouldn't just think I'm a loser so I don't know what to do, one of the things I most hate being asked by people is,"what do you do?" -why tell people something just to be judged for it? so I've lied sometimes told people I worked in a grocery store, stuff like that.
I used to smoke pot, the reason I quit was I got ripped off some times, sold stuff that wasn't any good and had people just pretend to like me to smoke them up, I also knew a guy who had somebody snitch on him to the cops because he wouldn't lend him any until pay day. There's other reasons I quit but that's what most comes to mind the whole bull crap dope game along with the cost, I hope they legalize it some day just to put an end to all that and other people don't have to go through all that hassle etc.
I've become sensitive to being made fun of for the way I'm kinda like a zombie, have circles under my eyes, don't swing my arms etc. it bothers me the way I think people think about me sometimes. Sometimes it makes me feel angry other times it saddens me.
I don't know what to do about meeting new people that aren't going to just turn out to be trouble. I get lonely and it bothers me. I have 2 cousins and kind of an acquaintance I talk to, one of my cousins not much because his girlfriends hostile and hard to be around she insults him in front of me and she's mean and makes him not much fun to be around. My other cousin we went up to cottage country in August and had a good time fishing, hiking/biking. We've never really hang out that much, he works and is busy a lot.
I remember when I was in school spending most my summer holidays at home, I used to play games by myself, I'm an only child. Maybe 2 or 3 times all summer my cousin might come over and I'd go hang out with his friends I don't think they liked me thought I was weird I don't think if I wasn't his cousin we'd have been friends. I used to think he just felt sorry for me. I remember feeling I didn't have any friends at school someone would pick a fight with me and I'd get in trouble for fighting back. I got beat up bad a few times walking home from school by a few kids at once.
Some songs trigger strong emotions and memories in me. I forget who did this song I think Blink 182 but a line is,"I can't wait till I get home to spend some time in my room alone." I think I was 16-17 when that song came out, another song that's difficult for me to listen to is November rain by guns n roses. I feel pretty emotional sometimes, though I may not look it to other people. I guess that's a good thing I wouldn't want people calling me a crybaby.
Anyway I guess I'll make this my blog, I'll write more later.  |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 10/11/2016 : 14:15:43
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Hi Mike
Thank you for sharing what you have with us
and equally for the honesty portrayed therein.
For it is my opinion most folk shy away from
such frankness, for they don't like to admit
being lonely , as a result of the negative
connotations derived from such an admission.
I can't help but think and feel opening up as
you have a brave step forward in dealing with same.
It might also provide motivation for others who
visit this mental health fellowship,as members
or guests to come forward
and give their take on their personal experience
of loneliness... which if not confronted can only
serve to compound what issues they have already
to deal with on a daily basis.
So all credit to you for highlighting this very important
hurdle to a better quality of life, David
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 10/11/2016 : 14:46:04
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I think it factual to say many of us can get by...
if we have at least on significant other in our lives
who love us unconditionally.
It appears from what you share losing your girlfriend
has I've no doubt exacerbated matters considerably.
And for that I am truly sorry!
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| Mike412
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3961 Posts
Gratitude: 3056
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Posted - 10/11/2016 : 15:37:55
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Hi David, thanks
I welcome anyone who wants to talk, anyone who can relate etc.
I've been depressed lately thinking over my life
I'm going to see my dr next week, I think I'll see if he can send me to group or something, I don't know. I need to find some good people.
Here's a few lines from a song
"Loneliness is not a phase
Field of pain is where I graze
Serenity is far away"(Jerry Cantrell of Alice in Chains) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 10/11/2016 : 15:49:36
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I think what you have
further posted most commendable.
For it is in a group environment
we have a more likely possibility
of establishing friendship and
whatever transpires from such
socializing Mike!
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 10/11/2016 : 15:54:55
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PS., It was from just such a social group
that I attended weekly...
I met my partner of what is now
thirteen years at that was aged fifty seven.
So for someone (like you) in their early thirties...
'the world is you oyster', age wise!
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 10/11/2016 : 17:11:47
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There is that special someone out there for everybody
but not if we stay home..
for circulating is the key to many a friendship
and more, in terms of finding an intimate partner
to share one's life with.
And as a result combating to a large extent or should I say
reducing the thoughts or feeling of being on one's own.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| Medicated
Super Member (250+ posts)
953 Posts
Gratitude: 847
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Posted - 10/19/2016 : 14:11:40
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Hey Mike,
Sorry to hear of your loneliness. I get that way too; I've left a trail of broken relationships and more often than not, they don't call or contact me any more than I can call or contact them.
The world is a pretty big place though, and I think being diagnosed with schizophrenia (in my case) and being upfront about it will lead to a lot of loneliness but also give us the confidence to make new relationships with people who are accepting of that sort of thing.
Besides, it's not the diagnosis that completely limits us, it's also what we decide and are able to choose to do that limits us.
These days, I've a few new friends from gaming. I'm just honest with my gravitations, and also girls that game and stream are a-ok in my books.
I also have this friend that loves to love girls/women. It helps to have him around; he reminds me of what possibilities are available to the relatively young.
They are going to legalize it, supposedly, in April 2017 or Spring 2017. Dispensaries are popping up all over the city where I am, and all over major urban centres in the country as well.
I do need to find a job though. Finding gainful employment will be my downfall I think.
(\_/)
=(^.^)=
(")_(") |
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| hercules21
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5803 Posts
Gratitude: 2829
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Posted - 10/21/2016 : 02:24:29
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Hi Mike,
I am terrible at listening, and always seem to give advice.
I recommend lieing to strangers who you will never see again who ask you what do you do...
I recommend making some online friends for the time being, I am sure that me David and medicated are fine with being your friends.
Remember one step at a time.
One friend is worth all the gold in fort knox. Don't aim for ten friends or you won't end up with any.
All for now
Hercules
"Mrs Morel always said the after-life would hold nothing in store for her husband: he rose from the lower world into purgatory, when he came home from pit, and passed into heaven in the Palmerston Arms.". |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 10/21/2016 : 08:01:38
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I very much welcome what you said here Hercules,
and I think Mike will have done also.
For it is a subject prone to us all,
even though many won't admit to same...
for thinking they are some way inadequate
for feeling that way....
and the possible stigma attached to such a disclosure.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| Jet
Super Member (250+ posts)
656 Posts
Gratitude: 303
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Posted - 10/22/2016 : 13:39:41
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my comp is a mess I left it out in rain
I'm so lonely
love u all
jet
xxx |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
86214 Posts
Gratitude: 31682
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Posted - 10/22/2016 : 14:36:50
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Hi Sarah
I am sorry to learn of your loneliness
I can't help think that coming here a bit more
often might help somewhat,
Love to you also David x
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
-Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998) |
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| chelle25
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
7717 Posts
Gratitude: 4597
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Posted - 10/22/2016 : 18:25:41
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HI Mike,
Maybe you can take up a class or something. Are there any hobbies that you like to do? I think the idea of group that you mentioned would be good too. |
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| Mike412
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3961 Posts
Gratitude: 3056
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Posted - 10/26/2016 : 10:40:24
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Hi everybody,
Thanks for your replies, being my penpals online
Well like I said I don't really trust my instincts anymore about trusting people, I've known a lot of lowlifes by that I mean thieves/users etc. pretend to be your friend to use you or try to rip you off etc. I guess that's because of the kind of people that would know somebody like me being unemployed, having mental problems.
If they think I work maybe they still think demeaning things about me
like it's good they hire people like me.
I think some people can tell there's something wrong with me by looking at me either they think I'm stoned or stupid but it's my pills make me less animated, flat etc. I used to get called retarded and such in school maybe some people still think I am.
I can be pretty expressive with my voice, like one nurse said to me to look at me I look calm but to listen to me talking it sounds like I'm jumping out of my skin, there was a patient that gave me the name "Loudmouth Mike". I read somewhere that it's believed by some that a lot of communication is non verbal so if your not very good at that you have to learn to use your voice and broaden your vocabulary etc. The future's all going towards texting and less face to face communication though.
I've known some pretty rude, ignorant people, some people would say it's just paranoid like that nurse in the hospital told me but a lot of people just seem mean and unfriendly to me and insulting, arrogant, I don't know. Sometimes it helps to think the kind of people I wouldn't wanna know makes it easier to deal with being mostly alone. To think I'm not missing much.
My cousin says there's a lot of people on disability for back injuries and thinks I could tell people I'm on disability from a car accident. I'm not too sure some will think I'm faking it and others I don't know they all think like they pay taxes and are supporting you, they all think their time/job is so important, I remember hearing teachers at school seeing some young woman go by with a stroller go on about how they are paying for it for all they know the girls dad might be rich probably not but you know about people being quick to judge, harsh and thinking the worst and assuming things etc.
I can't even get up at regular hours and I feel groggy half the day and there's people taking twice the amount of meds I am and somehow they function maybe I am more brain damaged than mentally ill they just couldn't be bothered you know my dr says I'm schizoaffective or bipolar, my first diagnosis was actually an anxiety disorder. I've been in and out of my dr's office in less than 5 minutes before he's cancelled appointments and just faxed repeats to the drugstore and he's not the only psychiatrist I've ever had the one I had before him referred me back to my gp and my gp referred me to this doctor and the psychiatrist I had before him did the same thing, so if seeing me a few times a year is too much for him I will just stick with my gp if that's the way he wants it.
There's always the problem of having friends dealing with their friends, girlfriends. My dr doesn't think I need to go to any groups like they don't have too many and I've been, been to groups and never saw the people again anywhere else and their always older or more functioning or married women etc. anyway
My ex was my first girlfriend I met at age 27 at the hospital. Before I met her the closest I ever had to a girlfriend was a prostitute my first was at age 22 a couple friends at the time set me up with. I've always been kinda nervous, afraid of women -some can be really manipulative, controlling etc. one of my biggest fears -mean, vindictive etc. women. Had women go from thinking I'm shy to getting mad at me for ignoring them talking to their boyfriend a lot. Sometimes I get paranoid of women I wouldn't wanna mess with one they could just lie and say a guy sexually assaulted/was harassing to them and the law just believes it sometimes with me having mental problems that might just make them be more inclined to believe it and I'd end up on some forensic treatment unit like my ex. for who knows how long. I start thinking that and it turns me off women, nothing like fear to make a person do or not want to do anything like the idea of going to hell you know nobody's ever wanted to go there but there is hell on this earth and I have been there and do not want to go back.
My biggest hobbies I guess are biking, the outdoors, doing stuff on the internet I'm indoor/outdoor. I have a penchant for watches/clocks timepieces, I'm a bit of a collector, a lot I inherited or bought that didn't work and my uncle fixed for me, we worked out trades etc. Something I want to do is learn mechanical clock/watch repair I've got some books on the subject.
I think the best thing some of us can do is learn a trade, learn repair and work for ourselves, I used to know a guy who did bicycle repair brought him my bike a few times, sometimes I see a sign in ayard the guy repairs motorcycles, does restoration of something from motors to whatever.
A person hears only what they understand -Goethe
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| Mike412
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3961 Posts
Gratitude: 3056
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Posted - 10/26/2016 : 10:45:17
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The Offspring -Gotta get away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrBAYD4kmPo
*Songs like that really helped me when I was younger, to know someone else felt the same, to relate, to get help etc. |
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| hercules21
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5803 Posts
Gratitude: 2829
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Posted - 10/26/2016 : 23:17:29
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Mike listen to me...do something about your situation.
they did a longitudinal survey on the same group of peope for twenty years. People generally got happier each year because they took decisions to improve their lot in life.
1) Just see your GP then form a team with him.
And you research meds online until you are an expert. Try to find some meds that don't make you a zombie. They ask your GP if you can try them. Or ask to lower your dose or something. I don't know but work with that person to try something so that you sleep ten hours a day and are awake functionally the rest of the time.
2) Once you get your health back get a part time job. One day a week, or two days a week who the **** cares even if it is 4 hours a week. All of a sudden when potential friends meet you and ask you "what do you do" you will have an answer "I work part time as clerk in the grocery store or I am part time stock boy."
3) Once you get a part time job you will have many adventures at work and you will learn how to fit in in a workplace which is a lot harder than it sounds and be careful. It takes a lot of street smarts to survive in a workplace, people will be out to trick you into stealing from the store and lieing to you that they do it or perhaps they do steal and they want you to as well. It is really hard to keep a job and plenty of people will try to sell you down the river. But the rewards are excellent.
Even if it takes you 5 years to accomplish the above make that your goal. Have a goal. You must. You can't think your way out of this you need action.
Finally we are not your online penpals FFS we are your online friends.
I am emotionally invested in your story and what happens to you.
You people on this web site are my online friends and you all have my back.
I started losing my mind two years ago and the only people that were on my side were the people on MT and Chelle in particular and due to the advice she gave I got my mind back.
We may not be real life friends and because of that we aren't real friends, but we are legit online friends and better than penpals.
All for now
Hercules
"Mrs Morel always said the after-life would hold nothing in store for her husband: he rose from the lower world into purgatory, when he came home from pit, and passed into heaven in the Palmerston Arms.". |
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Loneliness etc
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